idk..

i hope i feel better... i just loved her so much. it hurts me so much how i didnt show her i did, all i did was say it. i just need to write this down somewhere. i cant stand even going to school now... everywhere i go i remember her, meeting outside the library... skipping, everything. the other day i was walking down my street and i remembered out first kiss, my heat pounding through my chest. i just feel all that has been wasted. i dont know why. i just have this emptyness now, i know i can get over it, but it will always be there... i will always hurt for how i treated her. i dont know how many times she told me and gave me hints about how to make things better for her, i never listened. i truly wish there was a way to make things work, i have wished every day so far. and i know its killing me, its making things so much worse. even right now im listening to snow patrol and its making me cry, but i guess happy-like... just remembering all the good things we did, i had such a good time with her and she treated me so good, far better than i treated her. she gave me a million chances, i threw them all away. but i know things cant work, she is going on a different path then i am. and i hate that cause i know there is nothing i can do. it would never work... even with that thing we talked about the other night, i would have to go away for 2 years and i would fear that she would find someone else. i am so scared of that now... i just keep hoping that she has a change of heart and... idk. i just really really loved her, i do now. i would give anything to jsut hold her hand again, but she would not be happy. i am in such a rut now. i have gotten over past crushes, but i dont want to get over this one. you cant just stop loving someone, however hard you try. i guess it just hurts that its like a one way thing, she didnt even know if she loved me, i guess i wasnt right for her and i hope she finds someone she loves and can be happy with. its too late now, i have tried so hard to try to get her to turn around and take a second look, but there just isnt one to take. just writing this i want her to read it, but i dont... cause i am spilling my heart out and dont like people knowing i have emotion... good thing no one reads this.

anyways. goodbye, i dont think i want to post on this blog anyone. l8ur.