holy shit

its been a long time... a really long time.

now i know what dante was refering to when he wrote about the 7th layer of hell... NEW MEXICO! nah... im kidding. its actualy kinda nice here, just moved out here a few weeks ago to live with my dad. i guess im trying to jump-start my life or something, god only knows.

so whatsup people who dont read my blog? nothing? thought so. i had an epiphany last night, one of the few i have ever had in my life. really hit me like a ton of bricks. for the last few years, my life has been spiraling out of control. ever since my dad left. the drugs, the drinking, the reckless abandonment for my own well being. last night it accured to me that i am a fuckup. no matter how hard i try to fix things in my life, its not enough. maybe im just selfish? maybe im destined for something more? maybe a certain thing is missing from my life? i just wish i could find out what it was. every night i ponder and ponder about these "gaps" being filled, and me finaly being happy. and it depresses me to the maximum. but i still do it. its almost like i devote more brain power wishing for happiness, then actualy trying to achive it. i just dont know how to fix that. maybe its a nice girl im missing... someone that i could express ideas and emotion to. iv missed her for a while now, years? ok, ok. im rambling on about things. and i think its time to go to bed and think of the un-attainable. so goodnight people.