collapse into me tired with joy

today was sweet! even though megan couldnt hang out til like later, it was still sweet, and much needed... that was the longest 3 days i have ever experienced... seeing as how i had nothing to do at all! i have to do summer school! bleh... its summer, i dont wanna wake up early! btu w/e... as long as i get credit. i am not sick anymore..., i still dont feel too god sometimes, but il get over it. i want fun things, like a minibike or something, that would be cool! or a new car! i am selling a bike and a boat motor! i have like $280 coming my way! yes!

seeya

sweet sweet...

looks like we can hang out again... man... her mom really knows how to put emotions through hoops! and i will be able to sleep tonight! probably... i havent been sleeping that good lately. have i mentioned that i need a new car?! yeah... i do, or atleast a reliable one! ok... im happy now, hurray!

remember the time you drove all night

... just to meet me in the morning.

i dont know what happened tonight... i think a part of me has just been ripped away, and it hurts. why must stuff like this happen to me? i just dont get it. i swear... mormons really know how to fuck with someones head. i love megan soooo much, and i guess i cant see her anymore. what a depressing blog. im done now. later.

spitting out the suffer

man... it seems every time things start to get better, like really better, they just get worse again in a different matter. all this week things have been really good between me and megan, like really really good. tonight her parents decide that we cant go out and she should start dating mormon kids. this is the second time this has happened! i just want things to head in a good direction from now on out. and the bad thing is that there is not really any light at the end of the tunnel this time. and i dont get it... i really dont, talk about extreme murpheys law! it was really hot today, megan got her car back... and man did they mess the thing up bad!

friggen crap

its hot out, my car is broken, megan dosnt have a car... today sucks.

and there is absolutly no way we can hang out unless i get off my lazy ass and fix my bus, or her parents get back tonight...

ah!!!

5am

god... im so friggen tired, i stayed up til like 5am last night talking with megan, it was insane, but very very funny! and sex, bj's, and anal came up! it was fun! today i decided to go to this church thing with her, i hated that so much! but i might get a suprise out of it... hopefully...

we sat in her van for about a half an hour, i really liked that... just sitting there taking in the serenity. ah.

the universe just vanished out of sight

i havent really felt like this for a long long time, for once i am not really depressed, things are getting better, im opening up more (and getting megan to! haha!), i think this is gonna be a good summer, im excited! and its 4:30 and i have still not taken a shower...

megan!

she wanted a blog about her... so heres one!

how ever much you think you are not good enough... dont worry, you are...

she is awsome, from her eyes that would glimmer under not light, to her retardified cons! everyting. sure she dosnt wanna talk about much, but that just makes it even more of a challenge for me to pull out the info! even though she has a barbie and a tritercopts in her car... that makes it all the better! more things that i can smile at... and god knows, i dont do enough of that! and the pictures! she takes such good picturs! like insanly! check out her flickr. whenever im depressed, all i have to do is talk to her a bit and it like erases everything! i feel no pain around her, really at all... unless she manages to whack me in the nuts or something...

i <3 you megan.

meganos!!!

geta your peet-zah pies! pasta! right heeeeer!

you friggen people...

... need to look at my flickr, some kickass pictures have been taken. you also need to look at megan's flickr, cause she is better than me most of the time.

today was pretty fun... the beach, etc... i love hanging out with her, however little we get to see eachother these days. i got a new bike, hurray. its a jamis single speed road bike. im hungry and bored, flickr is amusing. i want to move to seattle so bad it hurts (not literaly you sick bastards). and i have too much cats, they all need to hurry up and die.

word to the wise: dont buy a foot-long cigar for $2. ouch.

wow

see that last blog?... i feel the exact opposite of that now! just thought id let ya know...

tired...

im tired... of everything in general. i have to take another year of highschool, have a $600 traffic ticket to deal with, i need a job, there are other things i am dealing with. why cant i just get a break, just once? maybe im just too selfish to think about the positive... maybe i just want more... after all, i have been lead to beleive that i have a good life and i have taken everything for granted, maybe its true. when you look at it... i get 5 grand when i graduate, i have a car, a house, somewhat of a steady income, freinds that would fight for me, etc. but i still feel unhappy, like i am missing something, like i could be more, and do more... or i should be more, and doing more. i just dont get it. its almost like im in agony, just trying yo force myself through the day, without any great joy at all. i miss being younger, i would get so excited about everything, getting a new toy, going somewhere, anything. now i dont feel anything, about the only thing i feel joy in is being with megan and riding my bike, both of which are hard now cause of her parents and my knee.

i dont know what to do, i want to act now, but im too depressed to take any action, i dont have any strength to do anything, and its not a normal lazy, when i can get up if i wanted to, i just cant do it, at all. even fear dosnt change my course of failure. i am so scared right now about what my future holds, i have screwed up so bad in school... and life for that matter. i used to have this dream, that i would turn 18 and instantly get a job and move out, one the supports me and a signifficant other. my parents would become old and move into a small house somewhere, we would all have christmas together, ect... the perfect american dream. so far none of that seems possible. and it kills me. i have this image of me living on the streets, and remembing my childhood in a nice house, with a huge TV, and my parents. i wanna cry now just thinking of it.

well, i dont know what to do anymore, i have lost all direction... on the possitive side i dont do drugs, smoke, drink [much]... but what does that mean anymore... nothing.

megan...

if you ever want to talk about anything, ever... i am here, and always will be. dont worry about hurting me or embarasing yourself, that dosnt matter. i love you and dont want you to be overly unhappy. i know there are some things that i cant do anything about and you dont wanna talk about, but i know they will straighten out. trust me.

my photo-graphs

well, iv had a flickr for a long time now... and have just started uploading pics iv taken over the past month or so... cause i now have a camera worth a shit!... or atleast are borrowing one!

my uber-good flickr

havent been round' lately...

well.. internet went down for a few days, but its (and i am) back now! and holy shit! the past few days have been so friggen enentful... like insanely! the same day the internet went out a few things happened... and to say the least i was a but depressed, it woulda made a damn good blog! yesterday was so fucking eventful, megan came over at around 10 am-ish, i found some beer, we hung out all day (first fucking time in a long long time), it was good. then we went to taco bell and then went to bellevue to take pictures! i got pulled over coming back from megans at about 12:00 am, that sucked, i got a $676 ticket. speeding, not having insurance, no registration in the car, didnt have a valid liscense... etc. then! when i got home, i was standing outside my house, i see this guy in a lexux is300 stop, then peel out down my street, he starts losing control, then smashes down this road sign! he come inches from falling down this embankment of rocks. the guy hops out, pops the trunk, grams his backpack, then takes off down 18th street. then i had to fill out a friggen statement. wow...

today was nice and fun, alot slower! went over to megans house for her graduation party, ate some kickass food, she got a fucking awsome camera! (fuji finepix s9000) dslr. and now im borrowing her old one! yay for sucky canons!
me holding it!

tomorrow while megan is in camano island, i get to start rebuilding the engine in a ford ranger for one of my moms freinds. hurray, atleast i get another car out of it and about $200... plus i need the rep!

later

its over!

... for 3 months atleast... damn.

im guessing this summer will be pretty boring... there is nothing to do with school going on, and there will be even less to do with it not going on! but parties! and yeah... fun times...

the countdown

1 days and counting til the end of the school year!

fork split bagels...

... are the invention of god himself! are you old and shaky and cant cut a bagel? do you not want yout kids cutting themselves with a knife? do you not want your little emo child cutting their wrists with a bread knife? are you a prisoner that cant be trusted with a knife? FORK SPLIT BAGELS are the answer! you dont need anything... you can just sorta pull em apart! and the best part is that they always fit in a toaster! i cant cut a bagel for shit, and it never fits in my toaster and burns! thank you god for fork split bagels!

frostbit emptyness

im boooored!!! there is nothing to do! at all! this town has has nothing... so-cal is calling, i think i wanna move there someday, even more so then downtown seattle. it would be sweet! i would move to orange, it is nice there. llamas are cool too.

amuse me! more people need to read my blog and comment! now!

ow...

i hurt so friggen bad today... last night i biked street from about 11 pm til about 3 in the morning. and today i took out my mountain bike and biked forrest park some. my hands hurt so friggen bad! and not to mention i somehow got grease in my hair...

im bored, this weeked sucked overall (except last night, that was fun), i just ate 2 foot long burritos, and need a shower now. i want something, i dont realy know what... but i know i want it!

my kinda map

dont ask any questions...

megan is lazy!!!

so i wanted to hang out today... i got a "no... im not going out!", she decides to after i go biking... then we finaly get to the waterfont after the sun goes down all the way! but still fun... insane kinda. oh, i also yelled rape. and i want something chocolaty... for some reason...

and my foot and knee hurt... like alot, but im still gonna go out biking for a few hours tonight! hurray for self distruction!

i cant wait til simmer... 2 more days! then a year of school after that, man im a failure! yes!

this thing

i dont know what it is... but its been bugging me for the past few days, its a bit diofferent than depression, cause i can still feel enjoyment in things, and do them. but its just this underlying thing that seems to creep up every now and then... and i feel like i have done something, or something is gonna happen, like dread. there are a few things on my mind, but not anything significant enough to trigger these "emotions", i cant really even expalain what they are... maybe thats the reason i feel like this, partly cause i truly dont know what im feeling. it also gets in the way of things, like today, i was watching a movie... but it was like really hard to focus on it, and i didnt really enjoy watching it. the movie was good itself, its just the sitting there and watching part that really got to me. i think i need a vacation, just about 2 more weeks! then summer! yes!

i think i just need to relax some, but still concentrate on things that need attention. that has been the main problem with me forever. there are 2 things that i do, either pay complete attention to everything (even if it dosnt need it), or not pay attention to anything (even if it does need it). there is not really a middle. but these past few weeks have kinda opened my eyes, i am starting to pay attention to things that need it, and letting other things slide, just the right balance. but i think i still need to stop thinking so much... that has got to be that hardest task... i still mess myself up pretty bad thinking about what "could" or "needs" to happen, and not what i must do to make things happen...

i like the way that she moves when she moves me

well... the thing above is an emu drawn by me, and yes... it is wearing cons! its easily the coolest emu there is! hands down.

today would have been alot better than it was if it was not raining and either of us had some cash... cash is good...

and yesterday i felt really weird... like i should be regretting something, and i didnt know what... like something was eating away at me, it was pissing me off! i dont feel like that anymore and im glad, because it was one of the most horrible feelings i have ever felt, the only thing that would get it to go away was sleep... and that did not come very easy.

im bored people, and some more people need to read this... its like im just talking to myself and one other person that wants to read it.

oh! and i want a rootbeer float really bad... or maybe a purple cow, that would be nice! i could drink like 6 or 7 of em, i think im gonna go in the other room and get somethine to drink... seeya

we'll be dead by sunrise

well... today i finished my bus bumper/shelf thing that i have had in me head for about a month or so... i like it, but i want to re-make it differently.

i also biked, and im tired... and my arms hurt, and everything hurts!

im hungry, and want an alpaca farm... or llama, i dont really care!

i want to sleep, sleep is good, its like a mini vacation! i need a vacation, like to india or something, where they have camels, and i go to a camel farm and ask for a pack of camel wides! and i want to hear some rap over there... that would be awsome... man i hate rap, its so fuckin anoying! it makes me wanna fill me ears with glue... and that would suck, alot! i once got an ear clogged up with ear wax, that really sucked, everything was muffled, like i was wearing ear muffs! i bet spencer likes ear muffs! just not muffs...

the 70's couch!

well... the last 2 weeks or so i have been driving past this couch that someone was giving away by megans house. i have been wanting to measure it and see if it would fit in my bus... today i did, and it fits! its the best, disgusting, awsome, tack, orange couch that i have ever seen!!! and now its perminant home is in the back of my vw bus! and its also comfy!

yesterday i forgot to mention that i found a zippo... its pretty friggen sweet, and like new.

im not graduating this year, its gonna suck, but i dont care. i should probaby care... but for some reason i dont.

i am extremely tired... if you find any errors in this... thats why!

oh! and megan drew eyelashes on my bus, as well as a ton of other things, my new goal is to get it covered with writing!!!

why people?

do i look like the neighborhood mechanic? do i have certification? do i work for free?! no!!!

so yesterday my moms freind dropped off a boat motor he wanted me to fix... all he said was "it dosnt turn over and i think i broke the throttle lever thingy...". so i say il look at it, he says he will pay me "some" for my work. i was actualy hoping the engine was seized up... so i could just break it free, hone the cylinders, re-break it in, and call it good! but no! the transmission is seized, that means i have to take the entire bottom end apart of the outdrive... which is not an easy task! i still have not found out what caused it to seize up, and now its sitting here in my computer room in parts.

i hate it when my mom volunteers me for shit, like changing the brakes on here dumbfuck freinds car! if i was just changing the pads it would not be that much of a problem... but she want me to bleed the entire system... change the rims with some that are on another car (which was burried in a huge weed patch!), and here is the kicker! i was under the impression that i was gonna get paid around $100 (my standard price for around a day of work), i worked on this peice of shit for a week after school each day! i come to find out that she wasnt planning on paying me... my mom decided to instead. i didnt even get a "thank you" outa this bitch! she also wanted me to swap her door for another one.

this has happened tons of times, people take advantage of my nice nature, then get pissed that my "free" work is taking too much time! go to hell! i work when i want! if you want super fast clean work... go to a retail repair shop and get fucked up the ass labour wise.

thats not even all of it, i led my tools and stuff out to people [out of the kindness of my heart] and they never return the shit. the best example of this is the mexicans next to my house!

mexican: "knock knock"
me: "yeah"
mexican: "choo got a mallet i can borrow?!"
me: "what happened to that compressor line i let you borrow?"
mexican: "well, i was using it and... i guess someone stole it... i turned around and it was gone... sorry mang"
me: "gonna get me a new one?"
mexican: "well, i get paid on the 3rd, il run and get you one, but can i borrow that mallet?"
me: "ah.... sure... just bring it back when your done"
mexican: "k"

next day: neither are returned

this happens all the time, using me welder and not buying me welding wire is a popular one!

computer

dear computer,

I FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!


it has been a year long battle with this peice of crap! its an e-machines with a 2.1 ghz processor... sure dosnt seem like it. it over heats and shits out on me, wondows has more problems than i can even count (literaly), the disc drivers werent working today, there is not enought ram to run all my shit, it takes forever to load anything, the hard drive is almost full (its a 60 gig and there is 55 gigs of shit on it!), it takes like 20 mins to start up!!! god i hate this thing, i need to destroy it and get a better one. and the best part is that it will just shut down on me when it over heats... dosnt even warn me, just quits one me.

and i am suprised that i have been able to write this without something happening that requires my imediate attention for fear of a crash...

that is that and this is this

this weekend sucked, i was tired, there was nothing to do, everything was planned on the spot... still better than yesterday. hopefully tomorrow will be better. and why is it that all day im tired and dont wanna do anything... but the second someone mentions taco-bell i get all hyper and can stay up forever? i think i have a problem with grunch wrap supreme intake.

oh, and today i started work on my bus bumper, its gonna be a little shelf thing, it will still work as a bumper and a trailer hitch too. il post some pics when i get done with it tomorrow.

i also blindly volunteered to go to megans stupid semen-ary thing... i have to wear a dress shirt... thats gonna suck! its like the first time i have worn anything good since ROTC. why cant i just wear shorts and a ratty band shirt?

im bored... aim = vwfreak914

amuse me [please]

more seattle-ness

well, today we want all over the place.. and it was still boring, just cause of the sheer fact that both me and megan were dead tired (she needs to sleep, HEAR ME MEGAN?!). fell asleep on the futon sorta, then ended up with more sweat then i ever bargained for... baught her a 512mb memory card for her camera (which would be nice except for that fact that the thing cant take more than 25 pics without the battery dieing!). went to seattle, parked, went looking for things to take pictures of around the space needle, then tried to park downtown (and failed). and there was this crazy dike bitch that flipped me off after i [accedentaly] took a picture of her car! and best part is that she was bald! haha... crazy dikes and their missing hair! all in all would be an eventful day if either of us had ANY energy.

and btw, best buy is a retarded store...

you better find out what your place is!!!

nothing... nothing, has made a bigger impact one me (and my life) than music has. its what i do when im having a great time, when im depressed and need someone thats not there, when i want to forget about certain things, when i need to think, when i need to relax... basicaly what i need to live. music amplifies emotion, everyone needs emotion (dosnt matter what kind, as long as they have it) to think for themselves.

faves:
there are tons, my favorite band by FAR is social distortion, i just fucking love em. i like most all punk except the early and late 60's stuff... just sounds too like ratpack bands. but most others i like... distillers, strawberry blondes, rancid, clash, some ramones, explosion, dropkick merpheys, buzzcocks, flogging molly, bad religion ect... i also somewhat like emo, blue october, snow patrol, ect...

things i hate!!!
i hate rap.. but yeah, il blast it a car for humor as well as disco! haha. and i hate country, was raised on it cause my dad listened to it... but soon enough i was thinking for my own, questioning authority, and converted to punk.

and thats about it, i would go more in depth... but i am too lazy now... tough shit.