ow

i went snowboarding today, i suck really really bad. my entire body hurts! and i think i may just die from tiredness. someone shoot me. and the rental boards sucked, it was like sandpaper on the bottom or something. i have been riding in a car for about 10 hours these past few days... its is boring. poop. my arms are gonna fall off i think, as well as my legs.

i met lauras (matts gf) family yesterday... and talked about american idol for like an hour, it made me want to shoot myself in the foot. and then i got to watch her and matt make out, as well as lauras sister and her bf make out all day! i was so lonly... sigh...

idk..

i hope i feel better... i just loved her so much. it hurts me so much how i didnt show her i did, all i did was say it. i just need to write this down somewhere. i cant stand even going to school now... everywhere i go i remember her, meeting outside the library... skipping, everything. the other day i was walking down my street and i remembered out first kiss, my heat pounding through my chest. i just feel all that has been wasted. i dont know why. i just have this emptyness now, i know i can get over it, but it will always be there... i will always hurt for how i treated her. i dont know how many times she told me and gave me hints about how to make things better for her, i never listened. i truly wish there was a way to make things work, i have wished every day so far. and i know its killing me, its making things so much worse. even right now im listening to snow patrol and its making me cry, but i guess happy-like... just remembering all the good things we did, i had such a good time with her and she treated me so good, far better than i treated her. she gave me a million chances, i threw them all away. but i know things cant work, she is going on a different path then i am. and i hate that cause i know there is nothing i can do. it would never work... even with that thing we talked about the other night, i would have to go away for 2 years and i would fear that she would find someone else. i am so scared of that now... i just keep hoping that she has a change of heart and... idk. i just really really loved her, i do now. i would give anything to jsut hold her hand again, but she would not be happy. i am in such a rut now. i have gotten over past crushes, but i dont want to get over this one. you cant just stop loving someone, however hard you try. i guess it just hurts that its like a one way thing, she didnt even know if she loved me, i guess i wasnt right for her and i hope she finds someone she loves and can be happy with. its too late now, i have tried so hard to try to get her to turn around and take a second look, but there just isnt one to take. just writing this i want her to read it, but i dont... cause i am spilling my heart out and dont like people knowing i have emotion... good thing no one reads this.

anyways. goodbye, i dont think i want to post on this blog anyone. l8ur.

... think of somewhere

Shut your eyes and think of somewhere

Somewhere cold and caked in snow

By the fire we break the quiet

Learn to wear each other well

And when the worrying starts to hurt

and the world feels like graves of dirt

Just close your eyes until

you can imagine this place, you're our secret space at will

Shut your eyes, I spin the big chair

And you'll feel dizzy, light, and free

And falling gently on the cushion

You can come and sing to me

And when the worrying starts to hurt

and the world feels like graves of dirt

Just close your eyes until

you can imagine this place, you're our secret space at will

this song really makes me think...

time to restart

well me and megan are broken up now... it sucks. but atleast she is happy and can do what she wants to do in life now without me dragging her around. im happy for her. this has not been the best week... but time heals all wounds iv been told. i got a new phone for christmas, its a helio. one of the good ones too (drift). it is so friggen awsome! you have no idea! there is so much things on it... its an mp3 player, camera, vid camera, gps, EVERYTHING! if this broke i think i would kill myself... but first ask to be burried with the phone! and have i mentioned my hate for t9?! it is so stupid... i cant work it and its what the phone is designed after, it makes me want to kill people. oh, and me and matt went to the shooting range last weeked, it was fun! we shot a .22 rifle for 2 hours, it got pretty boring... but we did waste 300 rounds of ammo!

anyways... later.