vanessa man...

what a drag. met her a while ago, we got along great... even started liking eachother, we would go out drinking and such. even slept together a few times. then all of a sudden interest was lost on her end. i dont know why... i dont know if it was someone she talked to, or something i said, or some i way i started acting, fucking sucks. and the worst part is that im still in love with her. she irritates me so fucking much. she just dismisses me whenever i talk to her about it, doesnt say she is not interested in me... nothing. i find myself thinking about her all the time, and i just irritate and depress myself. now she is hanging out with some dude, a replacement i figure. i have told myself over and over that i would just push her out of my life until i get my head straight, but i cant fucking do it... either she texts me or i text her asking what is up, and it starts all over again. i know myspace is myspace and many relationships have been destroyed all over it... but she posts these fucking bulletins, its almost like she is ashamed to mention me around her [myspace] friends.

whatever, no one reads this... im just doing it to further depress myself on the subject.

holy shit

its been a long time... a really long time.

now i know what dante was refering to when he wrote about the 7th layer of hell... NEW MEXICO! nah... im kidding. its actualy kinda nice here, just moved out here a few weeks ago to live with my dad. i guess im trying to jump-start my life or something, god only knows.

so whatsup people who dont read my blog? nothing? thought so. i had an epiphany last night, one of the few i have ever had in my life. really hit me like a ton of bricks. for the last few years, my life has been spiraling out of control. ever since my dad left. the drugs, the drinking, the reckless abandonment for my own well being. last night it accured to me that i am a fuckup. no matter how hard i try to fix things in my life, its not enough. maybe im just selfish? maybe im destined for something more? maybe a certain thing is missing from my life? i just wish i could find out what it was. every night i ponder and ponder about these "gaps" being filled, and me finaly being happy. and it depresses me to the maximum. but i still do it. its almost like i devote more brain power wishing for happiness, then actualy trying to achive it. i just dont know how to fix that. maybe its a nice girl im missing... someone that i could express ideas and emotion to. iv missed her for a while now, years? ok, ok. im rambling on about things. and i think its time to go to bed and think of the un-attainable. so goodnight people.

wow i messed up...

really... no one can even begin to imagine the way i feel. the one thing i wanted more than anything... but neglected so much, will never happen. i thought i was over it all, aparently not, just the idea of her kissing some other guy (dont get me wrong, she has as much of a right as anyone)... just turns my stomache.

and the worst part, no one reads this blog, man im depressing.

top 25

top 25 of what?... im not so sure...

25. the line begins to blur
24. shinin' the light in my face and for what?
23...

screw it...

updates!!

well... not much has been going on, my mom sold her old car, we baught a new one (chevy cavalier), we are probably gonna move, my cell phone got shut off... and yeah.

but!!! i was going out with this crazy chick for like 2 weeks... and she is literaly insane, i could not stand her, i have not been more anoyed in my life! like everything i did she would just get so pissed off and rip on me, then i would try to let her down softly and break up, but she wouldnt have it! so finaly i just gave up and dumped her through a text (yes... im an asshole, im aware). i cant even begin to explain the issues i had with her, like i could not stand her! not one second of her! she was the most anoying bi-polar person i have ever met! plus she lives like 75 miles north up in lynden. now that my ranting is over... im bored, dont feel good (for i have been eating candy corn all day...), and lonly.

i also got a new car a little while back, it was an 89 ford escort... well it blew up so now i dont have a running car, since my bus isnt running atm. oh, i have been hanging out with this really emo girl lately, she is really funny and fun to hang out with.

anyways... im bored.

no one

even reads this.

i wont ever talk to the one girl i loved more than anything ever again. i just cant take this. i love her so much... so much of me was hers, and its all gone now. she just acts like it was nothing... fuck this. fuck it all!

9 months of a fucking game. i would have done anything for her... and she didnt even talk to her parents at all on my behalf.

megan, i hope you are happy for screwing the kid over that cared for you more than anyone else.

ow

i went snowboarding today, i suck really really bad. my entire body hurts! and i think i may just die from tiredness. someone shoot me. and the rental boards sucked, it was like sandpaper on the bottom or something. i have been riding in a car for about 10 hours these past few days... its is boring. poop. my arms are gonna fall off i think, as well as my legs.

i met lauras (matts gf) family yesterday... and talked about american idol for like an hour, it made me want to shoot myself in the foot. and then i got to watch her and matt make out, as well as lauras sister and her bf make out all day! i was so lonly... sigh...